The Capacity to Connect: Growing Intimacy Through Rupture and Repair, the Antidote to Sex and Pornography Addiction

Dr. Patrick Carnes teaches that sex addiction exists in the context of an intimacy void. Seeking solutions, the void initially welcomes pornography and intensity-based sex, accepting their promise to fill the emptiness and eliminate the pain. However, eventually it becomes clear that they are mere imposters of intimacy and provide nothing more than temporary truces with pain and emptiness.

With each repetition of their use, the emptiness expands and the pain increases. Ironically, replacing intimacy with the low-effort rewards of sexual intensity prevents the discovery of what the void was longing for to begin with, authentic intimacy. The antidote happens by retracing back to the origin of the problem and filling the intimacy void with its intended purpose. Achieving this cannot happen without the capacity to connect.

The process begins by developing personal attunement, progresses through building a secure attachment, and grows to a core-to-core intimacy connection. The heart of this experience is the process of rupture and repair. This presentation answers the question, “Individually and relationally, which is best, to have never experienced rupture, or to have faced rupture and undergone repair?” Discussion will include therapy experiences to help clients begin doing their own work to develop the capacity to connect.

Learning Objectives

After this presentation, participants will be able to:

• Utilize the rupture and repair concept with clients, individually and relationally.
• Discuss attunement in the context of coregulation.
• Describe the process of building attunement, attachment, and intimacy.

Main Topic Outline

• Introduction
  • Overview of sex addiction as an intimacy void
  • Understanding the false promise of pornography and intensity-based sex
  • The expanding emptiness and increased pain from repeated use
• The Intimacy Void and Its Consequences
  • Explanation of the intimacy void
  • Explanation of the intimacy void
  • The long-term effects of substituting true intimacy with low-effort rewards
• The Path to Authentic Intimacy
  • Retracing the origin of the intimacy problem
  • The necessity of genuine intimacy to fill the void
  • The role of the capacity to connect in achieving true intimacy

Bio

Adrian Hickmon PhD, LPC, LMFT, LAD, CSAT-S, CMAT, EMDR, AAMFT - Adrian coached football for 14 years, 11 as a head coach in high school. From its beginning in 1993 until 2013, he served as a Professor of Marriage and Family Therapy in the Marriage and Family Master’s Program at Harding University. In 2001 he founded Capstone Treatment Center in Searcy, Arkansas, where he now serves as the CEO. Hickmon holds a PhD in Marriage and Family Therapy from Virginia Tech and a MA in Substance Abuse Counseling from NE Louisiana University. He is a Licensed Professional Counselor, a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and a Licensed Alcohol and Drug Abuse Counselor. Dr. Hickmon has over 25,000 hours of therapy and supervision-of-therapy experience. His specialized credentials include; CSAT - S, CTT (Certified Trauma Therapist), EMDR I, CMAT-S, and AAMFT-S. Adrian developed the Core Model of therapy which focuses on chemical and process addictions and compulsions, trauma, attachment, relationship intimacy within the family and their core underlying issues. He has presented internationally on these topics. He and his wife JoAnna have been married for 42 years and live in their childhood hometown in Arkansas. They have two daughters 38 and 36, twin sons 28, and four grandsons 6 and under. His greatest joy is being with his family especially if they are playing in God’s great outdoors, fishing or hunting.

**Adrian Hickman denies any conflict of interest as faculty for this training event. Any compensation obtained for my services is directly from IITAP and not from any affiliated commercial sponsor/host

Confronting Enmeshment & Spiritual Confusion to Empower Healing & Connection

Establish ways clients use their religion/spirituality to produce a form of enmeshment that hinders their ability to move toward healing and recovery. Understand the entanglements that prevent growth and help clients to confront the imbalanced way of viewing self and make productive decisions. Engage in various methods to empower differentiation within various relationships while honoring the person’s spirituality/religion.

Learning Objectives

1. Create a learning environment that encourages participants to confront clients denial and empower their abilities (strengths and weaknesses) to the greatest extent possible including taking risk, building knowledge and owning behaviors that are counterproductive.
2. Learn the various challenges that inherently hinders the client’s ability to move forward in healing and community.
3. Incorporate a balanced way of holding a client’s spiritual and emotional environments without losing who they are and what matters most to them.

Topic Outline

• Balancing Addiction and Spirituality
• The Illusion of Self in a Narcissistic Society
• Intertwined Identities in Religious Contexts
• Harmonizing Spirituality and Recovery

References

• Schneider, Jennifer & Schneider, Burton: Sexual Addiction & Compulsivity 3:111-126, 1996. Couple Recovery from Sexual Addiction/Co-addiction
• Sanders, Dr. Shermaine, PHD: Pray for your pastor: Daily dose with on November 20,2021
• Schnarch, David: Intimacy & Desire
• Adams, Kenneth: Best Therapeutic Practices in Treating Adults enmeshed with a parent.
• Barta, Michael PHD., LPC, CSAT-S: A Neurological Approach to the Treatment of Sex Addiction –
• Scazzero, Peter: Emotionally Healthy Spirituality: It's Impossible to Be Spiritually Mature, While Remaining Emotionally Immature.
• Weinandy, Grant JT, Grubbs JB. Religious and spiritual beliefs and attitudes towards addiction and addiction treatment: A scoping review. Addict Behav Rep. 2021 Nov 14;14:100393. doi: 10.1016/j.abrep.2021.100393. PMID: 34938850; PMCID: PMC8664870.
• J Relig Health. 2019; 58(5): 1713–1750.:Typology of faith-oriented substance abuse treatment facilities, recovery programs, and support groups

Bio

Shirley Lytle MDiv, LMHC, CSAT, Gottman, CPTT is an author, ordained minister, licensed counselor and a relationship expert. She is a 3rd generation pastor. Rev. Lytle has worked in ministry for over 35 years and 10 years in the counseling field. Rev. Lytle graduated from Phoenix Seminary with a Master of Divinity with a concentration in counseling and family. She holds an undergraduate degree in Business Management. She completed a post-master’s certification in Clinical Pastoral Counseling through Seattle University.

She is a certified relationship therapist through Gottman Institute and a Sex Addiction and Partner Trauma therapist (CSAT, CPTT) through the International Institute for Trauma and Addiction Professionals. She is a licensed mental health counselor within the state of Washington with a private practice (Living with Purpose Counseling) in Bellevue focusing on anxiety, depression and couples counseling. Prior to transitioning to the counseling field, Shirley spent 18 years in senior management in the accounting field.

Shirley balances her time and attention between her counseling practice while supporting pastors in ministry. She develops and facilitates relationship and communication workshops for churches and corporations both nationally and internationally. You can find her training materials at https://lwpc-wa.com/relationship-tool-kit/

Her accolades and awards include: Orlando Business Journal's 2021 "Women Who Mean Business", Onyx Magazine’s 2020 “Woman on the Move,” Orlando Magazine's 2019 “Women of the Year” and African American Chamber of Commerce of Central Florida 2018 “Enterprise Business of the Year."

“Rev. Shirley”, as she is affectionately referred to, is best known for her practical and no-nonsense approach. She addresses real world issues that individuals face with truth and compassion. Shirley is happily married to Darryl Lytle for 39+ years.

**Rev. Shirley Lytle denies any conflict of interest as faculty for this training event. Any compensation obtained for my services is directly from IITAP and not from any affiliated commercial sponsor/host.